Ask Sasha #002 | "Should I tell me wife about my sexual fantasies?"

Should I tell me wife about my sexual fantasies?

“I have sexual fantasies that I've never told my wife about. Some of them feel embarrassing, and I'm worried she might look at me differently if I tell her. Should I be honest with her?”

This is a question I hear in different forms quite often and my first answer is: having a sexual fantasy doesn't automatically mean you need to act on it or even share it (even or especially with your wife).

Our minds are complicated places. We can have fantasies, curiosities and desires that don't necessarily represent what we want to do in real life. A fantasy can simply be a fantasy.

The more important question is perhaps not “Should I tell my wife about my sexual fantasies?” but “Why do I want to tell her?”

If you're wanting to share because you trust your partner and would like to let her understand another part of you, that can be a beautiful thing. Vulnerability can create intimacy when both people feel safe enough to be honest.

But if you're telling her because you're hoping she will immediately participate in the fantasy, or because keeping it secret has become unbearable, it's worth thinking about how the conversation might feel from her side too.

You don't have to reveal everything at once

One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that authenticity means telling someone absolutely everything. It doesn't. Authenticity is about being honest with yourself first. You can acknowledge a desire without acting on it. You can explore where it comes from. And you can decide whether sharing it with your partner would genuinely add something positive to your relationship.

If you do decide to talk about it, think about how you introduce the conversation. Rather than dropping a fantasy into the middle of an argument or an intimate moment, choose a calm time when you both have space to talk.

You might say:

“There's something I've thought about for a long time and I've never really felt comfortable talking about it. I'm not asking you to do anything. I'd just like to be able to share it with you because I trust you.” That last sentence can make a huge difference.

You're not presenting your partner with a demand. You're inviting them into a conversation.

And be prepared for their reaction...

• You might get curiosity.

• You might get laughter.

• You might get questions.

• You might even get silence.

Your partner is allowed to have their own reaction to your sexual fantasies. They don't have to immediately understand your fantasy, share it, or be comfortable with it. And equally, you don't need to feel ashamed simply because someone else doesn't share your desire.

That's where boundaries and communication become so important.

A healthy relationship doesn't require two people to have exactly the same fantasies. It requires two people who can talk about differences with honesty, respect and compassion.

So, should you tell your wife? Maybe is my honest answer.

But don't start with “How do I get my wife to accept my fantasy?”

Start with:

“Can I accept this part of myself without shame?”

Because sometimes the conversation we most need to have isn't with our partner. It's with ourselves. And if you can approach your own desires with curiosity rather than judgement, whatever you ultimately decide to share becomes a choice rather than a confession.

Final Thought

A fantasy isn't a contract. It's a thought, a feeling or a possibility. You get to decide what meaning it has in your life. What I will say is, not everyone deserves to know your story, or in this case your fantasies. Such honest information could hurt your partner deeply, trigger situations that you don't want to happen. I said early that my honest answer to this question is "maybe" and only you know your partner well enough to know how she will react. Please, please please do not tell her if you expect her to suddenly understand you and get on the sexual fantasy with you... life just doesn't happen like that. Unfortunately kinks, fetish and desires... which is what sexual fantasies often are, are lonely which is why I have created Mentropolis, a safe space for men to talk about their desires without shame or guilt.

About The Author

Sasha Paige is a trans escort with years of experience supporting clients from all walks of life. Through first hand experience, she shares practical advice to help people approach booking an escort with confidence, respect, and realistic expectations.

A note from Sasha: Ask Sasha articles are for general information and reflection and aren't a substitute for professional medical, psychological or relationship advice.